Every child has big feelings: the shoes that won’t go on, the tower that falls down, the screen that has to be turned off. Calming down is a skill children learn slowly, with lots of help from the grown-ups around them. Here are calm-down strategies for kids aged 4 to 8: what to do and say in the moment, breathing and grounding games to practise when everyone is calm, how to set up a calm space at home, and when to get more help.
Why children need help to calm down
Young children don’t calm down on their own yet. They learn it by being calmed, again and again, by someone they trust. Be You, the Australian Government–funded program that supports educators in schools and early learning, says children “can also learn self-regulation through co-regulation”: in other words, your calm helps them find theirs.
That’s why the first step is about you. The Raising Children Network puts it simply: “You’re best able to help your child with their emotions when you’re calm yourself.” Take a breath, lower your voice, and get down to your child’s level.
What to do in the moment: five steps
The Raising Children Network suggests that “when children need help to calm down, notice the emotion, name it, and pause.” Its five steps are:
- Notice and identify the emotion. Is it anger, worry, sadness, disappointment? Watch your child’s face and body.
- Name it and connect it to what happened. Raising Children’s example: “I can see that you’re feeling angry about turning off the TV”. Naming a feeling helps a child feel understood.
- Pause and say nothing. Give the feeling a moment. Too many words can make it bigger.
- Support your child while they calm down. Stay close. A hug, a hand on the back, or just sitting nearby, whatever your child likes.
- Address the issue. Once your child is calm, talk about what happened and what to do next. Maybe the screen goes off, but you agree on a time for tomorrow.
One thing that often doesn’t work in the moment is asking your child to use a strategy. As Raising Children explains, “It’s tempting to say things like ‘Use your words’ or ‘Try taking some deep breaths’. But your child might not be able to respond to these suggestions until their emotions have passed.”
Calm-down strategies to practise when your child is calm
The best time to teach a calming strategy is when nobody needs it. Practise it like a game, often, so it’s ready when the big feelings come. Raising Children suggests teaching ways to calm down such as “counting to 10 or taking 5 deep breaths.”
| Strategy | How to play it |
|---|---|
| Five deep breaths | Breathe in slowly through the nose, out slowly through the mouth, five times. Pretend to smell a flower, then blow out a candle. |
| Count to 10 | Count slowly together, out loud at first, then in a whisper, then silently in your head. |
| Starfish breathing | Spread one hand like a starfish. Trace up each finger as you breathe in, and down as you breathe out. |
| Five things | Breathe in and out slowly three times, then name things you can see, hear and feel. This is a grounding exercise from Raising Children. |
| Move it out | Ten star jumps, a fast run to the fence and back, or a big stretch up to the sky. |
| Name the feeling | Look at faces in a picture book together: “How do you think she feels? What might help her?” |
Music can help too. KidStudy’s Year 3 Music lesson Music and Feelings shows how speed, loudness and pitch can make music sound happy, sad, scary or calm, and naming feelings is the heart of the Prep Health lesson My Feelings.
A calm space at home
Be You encourages educators to “create a calm, quiet space where children and young people can go to de-stress and regulate their emotions”, and you can make one at home too. It might be a corner with:
- a cushion, beanbag or soft blanket
- a favourite soft toy to hug
- a few picture books
- a card with pictures of your calm-down strategies
- something to squeeze, like playdough
A calm space isn’t time-out. It’s somewhere your child chooses to go to feel better, not a place they are sent as a punishment, and at first you’ll usually go with them. Raising Children’s grounding exercise also suggests “a quiet, comfortable place”.
When big feelings happen at school
Starting school brings lots of new feelings. Some children hold it together all day, then let it all out at pick-up, with the people they feel safest with. A snack, a quiet drive home and a cuddle often help more than questions about their day. Our calm checklist for starting Prep has more about the first weeks, and if your child is anxious about something they saw online, see how to talk to your child about online safety.
If your child often seems upset at school, talk to the teacher. They see your child in a different setting and may have ideas that work in class.
When to get help for big feelings
All children have big feelings. It’s worth getting advice if you’re worried that your child’s feelings are getting in the way of school, friendships, sleep or family life, or if you’re worried for any other reason.
- Start with your GP. Raising Children advises: “If you think your child needs more help dealing with their feelings, start by talking to the GP.” A school counsellor may also be able to help.
- Kids Helpline is free, open 24/7, and supports young people aged 5 to 25. Call 1800 55 1800.
- In an emergency, call Triple Zero (000).
This post is general information, not medical advice. Your GP, your child’s school and your child and family health nurse can help with your child’s needs.
Questions parents ask
How do I help my child calm down?
Stay calm yourself, then notice the feeling, name it, and pause. Stay close and support your child while they calm down, and talk about what happened once they’re calm.
What are good calm-down strategies for a 5-year-old?
Five slow deep breaths, counting to 10, starfish breathing, a quick burst of movement, or a hug in a quiet corner. Practise them when your child is calm so they’re ready when big feelings come.
What is starfish breathing?
Your child spreads one hand like a starfish and traces up each finger with the other hand while breathing in, and down while breathing out. It slows the breath and gives busy hands something to do.
What should go in a calm-down corner?
Something soft to sit on, a favourite soft toy, a few picture books, a card showing your calm-down strategies, and something to squeeze, like playdough. Keep it simple and quiet.
Is a calm corner the same as time-out?
No. A calm corner is a place your child goes to feel better, often with you at first. It isn’t a punishment, and children can choose to use it whenever they need it.
When should I get help for my child’s big feelings?
If you’re worried that your child’s feelings are getting in the way of school, friends, sleep or family life, start by talking to your GP. Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) is free and open 24/7 for ages 5 to 25.
Sources
- Helping children calm down: 3–8 years, Raising Children Network
- Understanding and managing emotions, Raising Children Network
- Grounding exercise for children and teenagers, Raising Children Network
- Self-regulation, Be You
- Who we are, Be You
- About Kids Helpline, Kids Helpline
